Unused South Coast Craphole To Be Transformed Into Different Unused South Coast Craphole

A DEAL has been struck that could see Scumpton’s dilapidated Boargate Shopping Centre torn down and replaced with a thriving complex of businesses nobody can afford to support and homes nobody can afford to live in.
The Daily Fecko can reveal that an agreement has been reached for a new developer to take control of the site, potentially paving the way for said developer to buy another massive house in the Caribbean.
The team behind Boargate Ltd has extensive experience in sourcing public sector funding to construct soulless monstrosities that nobody wanted in the first place and then buggering off and leaving tax payers to settle the bill.

Jon Large-Bank, from Boargate Ltd, said: “We are looking forward to fully engaging with all stakeholders in respect of this opportunity which lies in the heart of the city at what is an exciting time for Scumpton. 

And no I don’t really know what engaging with stakeholders means either but my team are busy meeting with council members and writing their names on brown paper envelopes stuffed with the sort of wads of cash that would give a mid ranking FIFA delegate a considerable stiffy.

Given the investment that has been attracted to Scumpton from both central Government and the private sector of late, the regeneration of the former Boargate Shopping Centre site will only further make a positive contribution to my bank account.

“It is our firm intention to bring this site back into a positive use with a firmly viable mixed-use development or some shit like that.

We look forward to talking to local residents over the coming months because let’s face it those pricks are a fucking pushover. 

As long as I promise Europe’s biggest KFC, a vibrating underwater cinema & give everyone a free promotional hat I shouldn’t face any serious opposition. Come to think of it, if I even hint that there might be an Ice Rink I could probably get away with bulldozing bugle street to build a concentration camp.”

The developer is now discussing the future of the site with the city officials. A council spokesman told us he hopes the new complex will feature “vintage retailers, independent boutiques and that sort of shit. Fuck it. They can put an altar for human sacrifice in if they like, I really couldn’t give a shit. By the time it all comes crashing to the ground I’ll have cashed in my pension and be hanging out the back of some teenage prostitutes in Cambodia.”

Council Leader Stephen Easy-Tobribe said “After previous disappointments, the fact that a new company is now taking the Boargate site forward is an enormous boost to my plans to take the family to Disneyland. Proper Disneyland too, not that fucking shithole across the channel.”

Raymond Sith, MP for Scumpton East also welcomed the announcement, saying: “Kerrr-fucking-chinggg.”


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